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The stages of
mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life.
Mourning occurs in response to an individual's own terminal illness or to the
death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief.
In our
bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and
express each stage more or less intensely. The five stages do not necessarily
occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful
acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to
achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your pet might inspire you to
evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread
of hope emerges. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is
hope, there is life.
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Denial and Isolation:
The
first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished pet
is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to
rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers
the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is
a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
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Anger:
As
the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its
pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our
vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be
aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may
be directed at our dying or deceased pet. Rationally, we know the animal is
not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent it for causing us pain
or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more
angry.
The veterinarian who diagnosed the illness and was
unable to cure the disease, or who performed euthanasia of the pet, might
become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying
every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients
or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your veterinarian to give you
extra time or to explain just once more the details of your pet's illness.
Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his
day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and
treatment. Discuss the cost of treatment. Discuss burial arrangements.
Understand the options available to you. Take your time. Both you and your
veterinarian will find that honest and open communication now are an
invaluable long-term investment.
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Bargaining:
The normal reaction to
feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain
control. If only we had sought medical attention sooner. If we got a second
opinion from another doctor. If we changed our pet's diet, maybe it will get
well. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an
attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to
protect us from the painful reality.
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Depression:
Two types of depression
are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical
implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate. We worry
about the cost of treatment and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have
spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by
simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful
cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more
subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to
separate and to bid our pet farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
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Acceptance:
Reaching this stage of
mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and
unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not
necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves
the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and
calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from
depression.
Pets that are terminally ill or aging appear to go
through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that
they are aware of their own mortality, only that physical decline may be
sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is
natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity
and grace shown by our dying pets may well be their last gift to us.
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